How You Can Help Your Child Cope With Death

The death of someone, particularly someone young, is often a painful reminder of how short and fragile life can be. When a child faces the loss of a classmate, friend or family member, it can be especially difficult. For children, grief can feel overwhelming, and their response to it can vary significantly from that of adults.

How children grieve

Children process death in a very different way than adults. They may struggle to understand the permanence of loss and may not yet have the emotional tools to cope with their feelings. For example, they may express confusion, fear or sadness. Younger children might regress to earlier behaviors, like bedwetting or baby talk, as a way of coping. Teens, on the other hand, may react with anger, depression or withdrawal.

As a parent, it can be hard to know how to approach the conversation or whether you should protect your child from the pain. However, it’s important for your child's emotional well-being to have open and honest discussions about death. Here are some ways to help your child navigate through the grieving process:

1. Be direct

When it comes to explaining death to a child, clarity is key. Talk to your child as soon as possible to ensure they hear the truth from you, rather than from others. Choose a quiet, calm place, free of distractions, and offer an explanation that matches your child’s level of understanding. Keep in mind that young children may interpret things very literally, so it's important to avoid euphemisms like “they went to sleep” or “they went on a trip,” which may confuse them.

In a recent conversation with Adeola Adelayo, MD, a practicing psychiatrist at Banner Behavioral Health Hospital, she emphasized the importance of being clear and straightforward with your child. “Children may have questions about the death and will want to talk about it,” Dr. Adelayo said. “Answer their questions honestly but simply. Don’t be afraid to admit that you don’t have all the answers.”

2. Be present

Sometimes, the best way to help a grieving child is to simply be there for them. Even if your child isn’t ready to talk about the loss, don’t pull away. Presence during moments of silence can be incredibly comforting and can demonstrate your support without words. Some children may not be able to express their emotions verbally, but they may find comfort in drawing pictures, engaging in crafts or looking at photos of their friend.

“Follow your child’s emotional lead,” Dr. Adelayo advised. “If they’re not ready to talk, don’t force it. Allow them to open up when they’re ready and avoid oversharing your own feelings unless they ask.” Your quiet support can help them feel safe as they process their grief.

3. Honor the memory of the friend

Even young children, starting at age 3, can grasp the concept of saying goodbye. Research shows that rather than focusing solely on letting go, helping your child maintain a connection with the person they’ve lost can be beneficial for their emotional healing.

Creating a memorial, looking through photos or sharing stories about the friend can provide comfort and help your child process the loss in their own way

A meaningful way to honor the memory might be gathering friends and family for a small celebration of the person's life, creating a photo album or doing a good deed in their honor. These activities can encourage healthy grieving and help your child feel empowered in a difficult time.

4. Should children attend the funeral?

Whether or not to take a child to a funeral is a personal decision that depends on their age and emotional state. Dr. Adelayo recommended that children under the age of 5 may not have the emotional maturity to process the funeral experience. For younger children, it may be more appropriate to visit the gravesite or a memorial spot after the ceremony.

For older children and teens, you’ll need to assess how they are coping with the loss. Some may wish to attend the funeral to say goodbye, while others may find it too overwhelming. It's essential to listen to your child’s needs and be flexible with your support.

5. Watch for unhealthy coping patterns

It’s normal for children to experience a wide range of emotions following a loss. However, if your child seems to be struggling to cope over an extended period, or if their emotional state worsens, it may be time to seek professional help. Most children, with the support of their family, will begin to process their feelings and move forward in a healthy way within a couple of weeks.

“Most children can begin to process and talk about their grief within one to two weeks,” Dr. Adelayo explained. “But if their symptoms persist, it’s important to seek professional guidance to ensure they’re coping in a healthy way.”

Final thoughts

Helping your child cope with the loss of a friend or classmate is challenging, but with the right support and guidance, they can learn to process their grief in a healthy way. As a parent, being open, present and understanding is key. If you find that your child is struggling to cope, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for additional support. Schedule an appointment with a Banner behavioral health specialist.

Have you listened?

Helping Your Child Cope with the Loss of a Friend or Classmate