Parenting is tough and there are probably times when you feel overwhelmed. You might be worrying about money, dealing with a crisis, stressed from work, isolated at home or simply feeling like you’re running on empty.
Even when things are going relatively smoothly, the pressure to be perfect and patient and to handle everything can cause stress and frustration. This could possibly lead someone to overreact to a situation and use harsh physical discipline or shaking. This can lead to serious injuries or even death. This is child abuse.
Feeling this way doesn’t mean you’re doing a bad job as a parent. But if you are experiencing difficulties coping with these feelings and situations, you could put your child’s safety at risk.
“It’s easy to become overwhelmed with the challenges of parenthood, but physical discipline, emotional abuse or neglect is never the answer. Many studies have shown that hitting a child does not improve a child’s behavior in the long term. In fact, most kids return to the unwanted behavior very quickly. Additionally, our children learn to use the same behaviors when they are mad,” said Shawn Singleton, MD, a pediatrician and medical director with Banner Children’s.
“Sadly, parents are the most common perpetrators of maltreatment of children. And child maltreatment will not stop on its own. Without changing the environment, learning to teach our children age-appropriate skills and parents developing new strategies, 30% to 50% of maltreated children will be maltreated again. The psychological effects can impair health and well-being throughout the child’s life,” he said.
If you are concerned that a child you know is being maltreated, it is imperative that you call child protective services. Child Help USA (1-800-422-4453) can help you connect with your local child protective services.
Ways to manage parenting overwhelm
Dr. Singleton offered some tips on managing parenting overwhelm, handling those tough moments and protecting your child:
- Learn about parenting: Nearly everything is new for you as a parent. “You shouldn’t expect to automatically know how to be a parent. We train for our jobs or to play sports, so why wouldn’t we train as a parent?” Dr. Singleton said. Look for free or low-cost parenting classes in your community and take advantage of them.
- Take breaks when you can: It’s important for your mental and emotional health to step away when you need to. Taking a 15-minute walk or asking a friend or family member to step in for a short time can help prevent stress from getting worse.
- Care for your health: Getting enough sleep (if possible), choosing nutritious foods and including physical activity in your day will help you stay calm.
- Ask for help: No one can do everything on their own. Reach out to your partner, family, friends or a professional when the challenges of parenting feel like too much to handle. “Asking for help or seeking resources is not a sign of weakness, rather it is a symbol of strength,” Dr. Singleton said.
- Practice self-care: It’s difficult to find time and energy to focus on yourself, but it’s a healthy thing to do for you and your child. Taking time for yourself is a key part of being a good parent. Even small acts, like enjoying a hobby or taking a bath, can make a huge difference in how you cope.
- Use stress management techniques: Meditation, mindfulness, deep breathing and other relaxation techniques can give you the tools you need to lower stress.
Recognizing when you need help
There may be times when the demands of parenting feel overwhelming. Knowing when to ask for help is important. Here’s what you can do:
- Recognize the signs of burnout: If you’re feeling drained, frustrated or angry, try to pause for a moment. Burnout can lead to feeling disconnected or snapping at your child.
- Reach out to support networks: create a list of people that you know will respond to you in times of stress and call on them to help you feel connected. Talk to your partner, friends or a therapist about how you’re feeling. It’s okay to admit when you need help.
- Build a supportive parenting community: Having supportive people around you can make all the difference. By connecting with others who understand what you’re going through, you can reduce feelings of overwhelm and help protect your child. Join online or in-person parenting support groups to talk openly about your parenting journey, share experiences, ask for advice and get support.
- Connect with resources: Many areas offer counseling services or a place to meet other parents who understand what you’re going through.
Creating a calm and safe home
Home should be a safe place for you and your children; however, the pressures of everyday life can sometimes make it feel chaotic. But when your home is peaceful, your children feel secure and you feel less stressed. “When you stay calm in a stressful situation, your child learns to stay calm, too. Kids often mirror our levels of emotion,” Dr. Singleton said.
Children develop best when they live in an environment that is:
- Safe: They are free of physical or psychological harm and believe you will protect them.
- Stable: You are there for them.
- Nurturing: You use warmth and clear expectations to help your child develop and meet their physical and emotional needs.
What you can do:
- Set up and follow routines: Children thrive on structure. Having regular mealtimes, bedtimes and activity schedules helps them feel safe and secure and can also give you a sense of control.
- Encourage open communication: Let your child know they can talk to you about anything, so they feel comfortable coming to you with their concerns and worries. “It is helpful to have time to sit and talk to your child about their life, dreams, fears and thoughts, as this may open the door to your child feeling comfortable confiding in you,” Dr. Singleton said.
- Create an emotionally safe space: Make sure everyone in your home, including you, can express their feelings without fear of judgment. Help your child label their emotions. This emotional safety will give your child the confidence to set boundaries.
- Spend time together: Mirror your baby’s facial expressions, talk and sing to your children, read to them and create family traditions like game night.
- Remember that it’s OK to say no to your child: Children must learn that not every request will be granted.
Handling different stages of your child’s development
Depending on your child’s age and stage, you may face different challenges and need to find ways to tackle them with positive parenting.
Young babies
It’s normal for a new baby to cry a lot. It can get worse before it gets better, but it will get better, according to Dr. Singleton. “Young and stressed parents often worry this may mean they are doing a bad job or that their baby doesn’t love them,” he said.
HealthyChildren.org offers detailed information on how to calm a fussy baby and what to do if you feel frustrated.
Hearing your baby cry can cause stress and anxiety for you, which can lead you to make poor decisions, including shaking a child to get them to stop. The time period when babies are most likely to have head trauma from being shaken closely lines up with the time when babies cry a lot.
It is OK to let your baby cry. You can place a baby in their crib or a safe space on their back, walk away, calm down and check on them every 10 to 15 minutes.
Older babies, toddlers and children
As your child ages, you’ll face new demands and stressors that test your parenting skills. Don’t make the mistake of thinking parenting classes are only for new parents.
“Take parenting classes and look for programs that will help you understand your developing child and how you can parent in a healthy way,” Dr. Singleton said. “When you understand how your child’s brain is developing, it helps you know how to have realistic expectations.”
Keep in mind that it is never OK to hit a child. “Spanking, hitting, smacking or slapping your child – even occasionally – harms brain development,” Dr. Singleton said. Even if you were hit as a child, we now know how dangerous it can be.
Here are some tips:
- Use discipline that matches your child’s development: It’s easy to let anger and frustration take over but hitting, yelling and screaming only teach your child to act the same way when they feel mad. “Hitting is never acceptable” is an important lesson to teach your child through your own actions.
- Understand the reasons for your child’s behavior: Your child’s behavior (and your own) is rooted in both good and bad experiences. “To change the behaviors, we need to understand the reasons for the behaviors,” Dr. Singleton said.
- Practice proper punishment techniques: This teaches your child there are consequences for their actions. “For timeouts, follow the guide of one minute per year of life and don’t overuse timeouts,” Dr. Singleton said. “Sometimes temporarily taking away something valuable to your child is an appropriate response to bad behavior.”
- Try a reward system: Just like adults, children like to be recognized for a job well done. “When your child exhibits good behavior, praise the specific behavior you are proud of and reward them with something they enjoy, like watching a movie together,” Dr. Singleton said.
These resources can help you find more ways to help your child learn appropriate behavior:
- No Hit Zone has detailed tips on how to handle parenting challenges positively at all ages of a child’s development.
- The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has age-based tips for positive parenting.
The bottom line
Parenting is challenging but by taking steps to create a safe, supportive environment for your child, you help keep them from harm and help them feel loved. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed at times, and seeking help when you need it is a sign of strength, not weakness.
If you’re looking for more parenting support, join a local parenting group to connect with others or reach out to an expert at Banner Health for guidance.
