We all make mistakes. It’s part of being human. Sometimes, the screw-up is small, like forgetting to take out the trash. Other times it’s a bit more serious, like saying something hurtful to someone.
No matter the size of the mistake, a real apology can make a huge difference in our relationships. Knowing how to apologize properly is a valuable skill, whether with a friend, partner, family member or coworker.
A sincere apology can mend rifts, rebuild trust and foster stronger connections. But how do you apologize in a way that feels genuine or from the heart? If you’ve ever wondered how to apologize in a way that connects with the other person, this guide is for you.
Why apologizing matters
Apologizing is more than just saying, “I’m sorry.” It’s about acknowledging the impact of your action, showing genuine humility and remorse and taking steps to make things right.
“A heartfelt apology can relieve physical and psychological pain and hurt feelings, restore trust and strengthen relationships,” said Carmen Mendoza, a licensed professional counselor with Banner Health. “It helps both parties practice humility – the person offering the apology and the one who can accept it.”
A heartfelt apology can transform conflict into understanding and resentment into forgiveness. Here are a few examples of how it can make a difference:
- In friendship: Apologizing can strengthen the bond between friends. It shows that you value the relationship and are willing to take steps to preserve it.
- In families: Family relationships are often complex. A sincere apology can help heal old wounds and bring family members closer together.
- In the workplace: Apologizing can improve team dynamics and create a more positive work environment. It shows that you are accountable and respectful.
A step-by-step guide to apologizing sincerely
1. Recognize and acknowledge the wrong
The first step to a genuine apology is recognizing that you have done something wrong. Reflect on your actions and understand how they affected the other person. Think about how the other person feels.
“Showing genuine empathy is about recognizing your own mistake with humility,” Mendoza said. “Be mindful of why you have hurt the other person, such as triggers, jealousy or being negative.”
Example: Don’t say, “I’m sorry you felt hurt,” as this shifts the blame to the other person. Instead, say, “I realize that my words during our argument were hurtful and unfair.”
[Also read “How to Strengthen Your Empathy Muscle and Why It’s Important.”]
2. Express genuine remorse
Saying, “I’m sorry” isn’t enough if you don’t mean it. People can often sense when an apology isn’t genuine. Make sure your apology comes from a place of genuine regret. This means reflecting on why you’re sorry and honestly expressing it.
“An apology can be misinterpreted or perceived as insincere whenever it’s being forced by some interest, such as work, financial, social, familial, etc.,” Mendoza said. “You can make sure that an apology sounds sincere when you take accountability for what you have done to others in order not to do it again.”
Example: “I regret not being there for you when you needed support. I’ve been thinking about it and I’m sorry for letting you down.”
3. Avoid excuses
Explaining away your behavior with excuses diminishes the sincerity of your apology. Own up to your actions without trying to justify them. This shows maturity and sincerity.
Example: Instead of saying, “I’m sorry I snapped at you, but I was really stressed,” say, “I’m sorry I snapped at you. It was wrong and unfair.”
4. Make amends
Actions speak louder than words. Ask what you can do to make things right. This shows that you’re committed to making up for your mistake and rebuilding trust.
Example: “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? I want to help fix this.”
5. Promise to do better – and then do it
An apology is only as good as your commitment to change. Let the person know that you’re taking steps to prevent the same mistake from happening again.
Example: “I promise to be more mindful and listen more carefully in the future. I’m working on improving my communication skills.”
6. Listen and validate
“It is important for both parties involved to express their emotions and concerns regarding the conflict,” Mendoza said. After you apologize, give the other person a chance to express their feelings. Listen without interrupting and validate their emotions. This shows respect and empathy.
Example: “I understand you’re upset, and you have every right to feel that way. I appreciate you sharing your feelings with me.”
7. Give them time
Understand that the person you’ve hurt might need time to process the apology. Don’t rush them to forgive you.
“We all need time to self-reflect, process our emotions and feelings and become more cognitively flexible or adapt our thinking and behavior in response to new, changing or unexpected events,” Mendoza said. “With patience, you respect the other person’s time and space to expand their consciousness.”
Example: “I understand you need some time to think about this. I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk.”
8. Forgive yourself
“Practice self-compassion in order to forgive yourself for what you’ve done,” Mendoza said. “This helps you process what you did and let it go to be more present.” Acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and give yourself grace. This self-forgiveness is important for personal growth and helps you move forward positively.
Example: “I made a mistake, but I’m learning from it and will do better next time. I forgive myself and will continue to improve.”
The art of apologizing
Apologizing isn’t just about saying, “I’m sorry.” It’s about taking responsibility, showing genuine remorse and humility and making amends. It’s about listening, validating the other person’s feelings and committing to change. And it’s also about forgiving yourself and giving yourself grace.
Next time you find yourself in a situation that requires an apology, remember these steps and approach it with sincerity and empathy. We all make mistakes, but a heartfelt apology can help you grow and strengthen your connection with others.
