From putting yourself out there on dating apps to getting through awkward first dates to becoming intimate, dating life is full of challenges.
Adding cancer to the mix can make it even more difficult. If you’re in cancer treatment or you’ve been treated for cancer, you may be trying to figure out what to share, when to have these discussions and how cancer might affect your new relationship.
It's important to have open conversations with your potential partner about your health, your journey and what to expect moving forward. Your partner needs to know about your diagnosis, treatment history and any ongoing care that might impact your relationship.
“Honesty is the most important aspect. You can decide when you feel safe and comfortable talking about your experience,” said Ashley Imburgia, PsyD, a psychologist specializing in cancer care with Banner MD Anderson Cancer Center.
How to have the cancer talk
The American Cancer Society recommends having this conversation when you and your partner are both relaxed.
“Tell your partner you have something important you’d like to discuss. Then ask them a question that leaves room for many answers. This gives them a chance to take in the new information and respond. It also helps you see how they take the news,” Dr. Imburgia said.
- You might want to start with something like: “I really like where our relationship is going and I need you to know that I have (or had) cancer. How do you think that might affect our relationship?”
- You can also share your own feelings: “I have (or had) cancer. I guess I haven’t wanted to bring it up because I’ve been worried about how you’d react. I also don’t like thinking about it but I need you to know. What are your thoughts and feelings?”
Be open about your diagnosis and treatment. You don’t need to go into every detail but being transparent helps build trust. It’s important to share that cancer is something you’re managing long-term and how it could affect your daily life and your future. Let your partner know:
- What kind of cancer you have or had.
- What treatments you've undergone, such as surgery, chemotherapy, radiation or others.
- How it has impacted your life.
- What long-term physical, emotional or psychological effects you have or expect. For example, some treatments may cause fatigue, nerve damage or other long-term side effects.
- The ongoing care you need, such as follow-up appointments, routine tests or lifestyle changes that you need to continue.
While it’s important to share, it’s also okay to set boundaries on what you want to discuss and when. Your partner should respect your need for privacy, especially when it comes to your health.
Be honest about your expectations
You’ll want to be realistic with your partner about what you want. Share what you're hoping for in a relationship and be honest about how your physical recovery, emotional state or life goals affect your readiness for dating. Keep in mind that your priorities may have changed during your journey.
Talk about how you see your partner involved in your care. Whether it's going with you to appointments or just being there for emotional support, it’s important to have this conversation early on.
Be patient with building trust and intimacy. It may take time to be vulnerable after cancer. Both of you may need time to adjust to the ways cancer may affect your relationship.
Talking about changes in your body
Cancer treatment often leads to visible or invisible physical changes. These changes can affect your self-image and your relationships. “Though it can be hard work, it’s important for you to be comfortable with the physical changes in order to expect or allow others to be comfortable,” Dr. Imburgia said.
You and your partner might discuss:
- Visible changes: You could have hair loss, changes in your body shape or scars. Talk to your partner about how these changes make you feel and let them know if you're comfortable discussing your appearance or if you need space.
- Side effects: You may have nausea, be tired or notice changes in your sense of taste or smell. Be open about the side effects that are still a part of your life.
- Physical limits: You may have fatigue, pain or trouble with mobility. Let your partner know about any issues that could affect whether you can go out and do things, exercise or be intimate. “There can be many sexual side effects related to cancer but remember that many of them can be addressed by your oncology team or psycho-oncology team,” Dr. Imburgia said.
“Talking about intimacy and concerns up front, while difficult, can take away some of the worry. Some people find it helpful to practice or write out what they want to communicate,” Dr. Imburglia said.
What about the possibility of having children?
“Again, honesty is key. Be clear about how you have been or will be impacted by a cancer diagnosis and treatment and what that means for fertility and family planning. This is often a conversation best had in person and as early as feasible,” Dr. Imburgia said.
Talking about whether or not you want children is important to address early in the relationship. If you’re open to having children, talk to your partner about whether this is possible for you. Some cancer treatments can affect fertility, so you may want to talk about options like egg or sperm banking or your feelings about adoption.
You’ll also want to discuss how any future children could be at risk for cancer if your cancer were related to genetic factors, such as a BRCA mutation. You might want to consider genetic testing and counseling, so you and your partner understand the risks.
Discussing how cancer affects your emotional and psychological health
Cancer doesn’t only impact your body — it can affect your mental and emotional well-being, too. It’s important to talk about how you’re coping with your diagnosis and treatment.
“There are so many myths associated with cancer survivorship, including that everything should go back to normal and you should be happy and grateful. While you may be relieved, you may also be coping with the continued psychological and emotional impacts that are present. It’s important to let your partner know what you are coping with and what you need from them, whether that’s to listen, problem-solve or offer a hug,” Dr. Imburgia said.
You may want to bring up these topics with your partner:
- Mental health care: Therapy or support groups might be helping you manage your cancer journey. It’s helpful to share that you’re taking care of your mental health.
- Triggers and challenges: Certain topics or situations might trigger difficult emotions for you, like fears of cancer coming back or anxiety about your health.
- How cancer changed you: Cancer can reshape the way you view life, love and your future.
Lifestyle changes and ongoing care
Cancer recovery can affect your lifestyle, routine and social life. You may need to eat a specific diet, take medications, go to physical therapy appointments, exercise and get plenty of rest. Be upfront about your self-care routines and lifestyle. Your partner needs to understand that your health may take more attention at times.
You may need to adjust your social calendar to make room for health-focused activities, stress management or rest. Let your partner know if you need time for yourself or if there are activities you can’t do.
You may need support, encouragement or help with certain activities. Talk about what you may need and how your partner can help.
“Be clear in what you need, desire, expect and are capable of. Fatigue and energy levels may limit what you are able to do,” Dr. Imburgia said.
The bottom line
Dating during or after cancer treatment brings challenges, but it can also be a time of growth and connection. By having open conversations with your potential partner, you can make sure that you’re both on the same page.
Consider reaching out to a support group, therapist, counselor or an expert at Banner Health. Talking to someone who understands can help you clarify your thoughts and prepare for your conversation.
