When you're communicating with someone, whether that’s a partner, colleague, friend or acquaintance, it’s important to use assertive communication to share your thoughts, opinions and needs clearly and respectfully.
Assertiveness allows you to express yourself without being passive or aggressive. "When you act assertively, you advocate for yourself and pursue your own needs while you also consider and value the other person,” said Brendon Comer, a counselor at Banner Health Center in Northern Colorado. In other words, assertive communication creates a balance between standing up for yourself and respecting the rights of others.
Acting assertively helps build healthier, stronger relationships. By being clear about your needs while being considerate of others, you can prevent misunderstanding and conflicts from escalating. It also fosters trust and respect, as both parties feel heard and valued. Whether you're asking for something at work, negotiating in a relationship or setting personal boundaries, assertive communication is a key component of effective interactions.
However, it's not always easy to maintain assertiveness-especially when strong emotions like anger or frustration, take over. In some instances, those intense emotions can drive you to act aggressively, instead of assertively, without you even realizing it.
Here’s what aggressive behavior can look like
When you communicate aggressively, you try to assert control and dominance over the other person. This might happen physically, verbally or emotionally. Aggressive behavior can manifest in many ways, such as expressing anger, hostility, intimidation or dominance. Some common examples include shouting, interrupting or using threats to make a point.
In these moments, your body language may also signal aggression. You might cross your arms, glare or adopt a confrontational posture. Your tone may shift to a loud or sharp manner, and you may find yourself cutting off the other person before they finish speaking.
“Aggressive behaviors tend to lack boundaries,” Comer said. “Yelling, refusing to listen, cutting the other person off and mocking are all aggressive ways of communicating. These behaviors express a belief in the moment that ‘I matter, and you don’t.’”
Interestingly, aggression doesn't always present itself openly. You might send the “I matter, and you don’t” message in a more subtle way, known as passive-aggressive behavior. This happens when you hide your true feelings of anger, frustration or disappointment, instead of addressing them directly. Some passive-aggressive actions include giving someone the silent treatment, showing up late on purpose or making snide, backhanded comments.
Here’s what assertive behavior looks like
In contrast, assertive behavior is about creating healthy, boundaries for both yourself and the other person. The key message behind assertive communication is, “I matter, and you matter.” This type of behavior involves expressing your needs openly and honestly while being receptive to the other person's feelings and opinions.
When you act assertively, you can communicate in a calm and collected manner, even when discussing difficult topics. Your body language may be more open-you might uncross your arms, make eye contact and use gestures that invite conversation. Your tone should stay calm and even, without sounding confrontational or dismissive. “Assertive actions can be strong, but still grounded and collaborative,” Comer said. This way, you create an environment that encourages mutual respect and understanding.
Here’s how you can act more assertively
Fortunately, with practice, you can teach yourself to be more assertive, rather than aggressive, in communication. It takes time to develop these skills, but small changes can make a big difference. Here are a few strategies you can try the next time you feel your emotions leading you toward an aggressive response.
- Take a deep breath and check in with yourself. “A brief pause can make a big difference in whether you act aggressively,” Comer said. “It can help you get regrounded and see the bigger picture.” Taking a moment to assess your emotional state before reacting can prevent you from saying something you may later regret.
- Pay attention to your body. Physical cues, such as a racing heart, clenched fists, or tense muscles, may indicate that your emotions are getting the best of you. By recognizing these signs, you can take proactive steps to calm yourself before continuing the conversation.
- Pay attention to your thoughts. When something angers you or upsets you, are you responding to the facts, or are you creating a narrative about the other person's intentions? “It can help to name your feelings,” Comer said. Naming them can create the pause you need before you respond, allowing you to process your emotions.
- Change tasks. If possible, take a break from the situation that is driving your strong emotions. “With a break, you can allow your energy to slow down, and you can revisit your response later when you’re more open and calmer rather than angry and rigid,” Comer said. A temporary shift in focus can help you approach the issue with a clearer mind.
The bottom line
When strong emotions strike, it's natural to feel the urge to respond aggressively. But a few simple techniques can help you pause, regroup and respond assertively instead. Over time, practicing these techniques can lead to more positive interactions and healthier relationships. If you would like to learn more about how you respond to situations or want support in developing your assertiveness, consider reaching out to a behavioral health specialist at Banner Health.
Other helpful articles
- 5 Tips for When Your Teen/Tween Has a Meltdown
- 7 Comments That Are Relationship Killers and 5 Ways to Avoid Them
- Want Better Relationships? Learn How to Fight Fair with These Tips
Content in this article was updated on October 8, 2024.
