Sometimes, it can seem like you and your partner aren’t in sync even though you love each other. Maybe you feel unappreciated, your partner doesn’t think you spend enough time together or your relationship doesn’t feel balanced.
Love languages might help you improve communication in your relationship and connect more deeply with each other. Love languages are different ways people express and receive love.
“Love languages provide insight into yourself and your partner and how your relationship functions. Knowing your love languages can help deepen and improve your relationship,” said Denise Black, a social worker with Banner Health.
By learning your partner's love language and sharing your own, you can communicate with each other better. Good relationship communication helps you both understand each other’s love and support needs. When you both communicate well, you can overcome challenges more easily and build a stronger bond.
What are love languages?
Love languages are different ways people give and receive love. Dr. Gary Chapman introduced the concept in his book, "The 5 Love Languages." Dr. Chapman discovered that people have different preferences for how they give and receive love, and understanding these preferences can improve relationships.
The five primary love languages are:
- Words of affirmation: Expressing affection through spoken or written words like compliments, words of encouragement and kind statements.
- Acts of service: Doing something helpful or kind for your partner, like cooking dinner, running errands or helping with chores.
- Receiving gifts: Some people feel most loved when they receive thoughtful gifts. Gifts don't have to be expensive — it's the thought and effort that shows your partner that you are thinking of them.
- Quality time: Some people feel loved when their partner gives them undivided attention. That could be a deep conversation, a shared activity or just being together without distractions.
- Physical touch: For some people, hugging, holding hands, cuddling or physical closeness are how they feel connected and secure.
Why do love languages matter?
“A lack of awareness and understanding of each other’s love languages can make it challenging to express love in a way that resonates with one another,” Black said.
For example, if your love language is physical touch and your partner’s is acts of service, your partner might clean the house and run errands to show love. But, without physical affection, you might feel neglected.
Or you might show love through gifts, while your partner uses words of affirmation. You may expect gifts from your partner in exchange for yours, while your partner offers praise and compliments. Both of you may feel unappreciated.
“Knowing each other’s love language can offer a powerful foundation for effective communication that can deepen your relationship,” Black said. “Knowing the other’s language can provide a better understanding of how your partner wishes to be appreciated and valued.”
When you understand your partner's love language, you can talk and act in ways that meet their needs. For example, if your partner's love language is words of affirmation, they will feel more loved and valued when you give them compliments and tell them what you appreciate. And if your love language is quality time, you can tell your partner how important it is to spend time together.
When you both use each other’s love language, you’re less likely to misunderstand each other. You each show the other that you care about their emotional needs. That can help you both feel deeply valued, understood and loved.
What’s your love language?
To figure out your love language, think about how you feel most loved and appreciated. “You can go through the love languages and see which one fulfills you the most,” Black said. Ask yourself these questions:
- When you feel really loved, what does your partner do for you?
- How do you usually show love to others?
- What do you most often ask your partner for?
- What makes you feel hurt or unloved?
- Which of these statements sounds most like you?
- "I feel loved when my partner gives me compliments." (words of affirmation)
- "I feel loved when my partner helps me with tasks." (acts of service)
- "I feel loved when my partner gives me thoughtful gifts." (receiving gifts)
- "I feel loved when my partner spends quality time with me." (quality time)
- "I feel loved when my partner hugs me or holds my hand." (physical touch)
What’s your partner’s love language?
Here are some ways you can figure out your partner’s love language:
- Observe: Pay attention to how your partner expresses love towards you and other people.
- Listen: For example, if they often say they feel neglected when you don’t spend time together, their love language might be quality time.
- Notice: For instance, if they often want to be physically close, their love language might be physical touch.
- Ask: Sometimes the simplest way is to ask your partner what they prefer and what makes them feel loved.
How to show love with the five love languages
Once you and your partner both know what your love languages are, talk to each other about them. Share your love language and explain how it makes you feel most loved. Ask your partner to share theirs. Ask them how you can meet their needs.
It may take time for both of you to adjust to each other's love languages. Be patient and supportive with each other. Practice using each other’s love language regularly. Small, consistent actions can make a big difference in how loved and appreciated you both feel.
You and your partner can try words, gestures and actions like these:
Words of affirmation
- Compliment your partner on their appearance, efforts or achievements.
- Write them a heartfelt note or text message.
- Remember to thank them and tell them you appreciate them regularly.
Acts of service
- Tackle household chores.
- Prepare a meal.
- Take care of a task they dislike.
Receiving gifts
- Surprise them with a small, meaningful gift.
- Give them something that shows you were thinking about them.
- Create a handmade gift or card.
Quality time
- Plan a special date or activity.
- Set aside uninterrupted time to talk and connect.
- Take part in activities that both of you enjoy.
Physical touch
- Hold hands, hug or cuddle.
- Give them a back rub or massage.
- Sit close to them while watching a movie or reading.
Overcoming challenges when you’re starting out with love languages
“Love languages are a tool that makes incredibly positive changes in any relationship. They serve to help us understand ourselves and the other person,” Black said.
Still, it can be hard to change the way you’ve been communicating and showing affection, especially if you’re used to expressing love in a certain way. You may miscommunicate, misunderstand each other and get frustrated. It can be hard to practice using each other’s love language when you’re busy or stressed.
“Mismatched love languages can also pose a challenge,” Black said. “Having completely different love languages can sometimes lead to misunderstandings and frustrations.”
Here are some ways to overcome these challenges:
- Educate yourselves: Learn about each other’s love languages by reading books or articles or taking quizzes together.
- Practice: Make a conscious effort to use your partner’s love language. Set reminders if you need to.
- Communicate: Talk openly about what’s working and what’s not. Share feelings and experiences without judgment.
- Be patient: Understand that change takes time. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you both adjust to new ways of expressing love.
- Seek support: If needed, consider seeing a relationship counselor or therapist for guidance.
Learning and using love languages takes patience and understanding. It can help to:
- Be clear about what makes you feel loved. For example, "I feel really appreciated when you say kind things about me," or "I love it when we spend quality time together without distractions."
- Use "I" statements that focus on your feelings and needs. For instance: "I feel most loved when we hug" or "I appreciate it when you help me with chores".
- Recognize your partner’s efforts, even if they’re not perfect. Let your partner know you appreciate their efforts to speak your love language. For example: "Thank you for the note you left me. It made my day."
- Be forgiving if your partner makes mistakes or forgets. Focus on the positives and encourage each other to keep trying.
- Celebrate small wins. Every step forward is progress.
- Stay committed. Building a stronger, more loving relationship is a journey.
The bottom line
Understanding and using love languages can transform your relationship. When you and your partner know each other's love languages, you can express love in ways that make you both feel valued and understood.
If you find that you need more support, reach out to a Banner behavioral health provider who can help you navigate your relationship challenges.
